CSA Delivery: a foodie blog for the locally minded

photo from CSA Delivery blog


I stumbled upon a wonderful food blog this morning. It's written by an old friend of mine and his lady friend. The recipes are focused on what they get from their local csa each week. This is great inspiration for those of you who get amped on local produce but sometimes get stuck trying to figure out what to do with say... a billion beets, too many carrots, etc.
CSA DELIVERY
Enjoy!

Over the last year I have become more attuned to fishing out problems and finding resolutions. The fluidity of life has never been so clear to me. I used to view things as either black or white, good or bad. And I am learning how wrong I had been for most of my years. This growing up business is looking like more of an adventure to me rather than a chore.

To further explain. I spent a good portion of my teens and early twenties being depressed, angry, and resentful. That has been slowly lifting for a long while and now I can see out of it. It's as if a very dense fog has been lifted. I have hope now. Something I would have never been able to say before. I know we are fine. We have today and if we're lucky tomorrow, too. I'm able to see that in every moment there is an opportunity to create and enjoy the life that we are living.

Olivia's birth and Steve's death have a great deal to do with this transformation. They've grown me up a bunch. That's not to say that I am grateful for Steve's suicide. At all. That's not where this is going. But I am thankful that I have the ability to be resilient. I could have given up the day he died. I could have given in to the darkness that still lived inside of me. But I didn't.

I'm writing this because looking back on my previous post where I seemed to be complaining about my tantrum prone, almost three-year-old, it seems silly that I could have written that. That a fussy babe is a problem. A REAL problem to me. It isn't and there are ways to resolve it. I'm not expecting everything to be "smooth sailing" as I put it.

I thought tonight about what could really be at the root of Oli's antics. And instead of thinking about the absence of her father (something I can't change) I thought about the absence of her mother (something I CAN change). She and I spend about 40 hours a week apart. And when we finally get home I often find myself absorbed by work I must get done, deadlines I need to reach, things I want to do. And she often tries to get my attention and sometimes in ways that aren't positive. I realized tonight that I was annoyed with her because she wanted to cuddle with me and all I could think about was how I wanted to work on her birthday party invitations. "Seriously, Marlee?" I thought to myself. "Your kid wants to cuddle. Celebrating her birthday and having an amazing garden party isn't what's really important right now. Hug your kid!" This may seem pretty obvious but this mothering stuff is tricky.

I suppose my point is this. Struggle is worth it if you can learn something from it. And my "defiant little bugger" learned me good!

More about this weekend.

As I looked over the evidence of this last weekend, I began to get a fuller sense of our lives. I mentioned not getting the oppurtunity to paint with Olivia much. Well, here's something that proves otherwise.


Taken Sunday afternoon.

And as for memories and tradition... There was more photographic evidence that we are doing just fine in that department, too.



Olivia and I had lunch at Ikea. A family "tradition" (as silly as it may seem) that started before I was pregnant with her. Steve and I went there for our first date. No, I'm not kidding. We spent the day at traffic court, then the ppa tow lot, then Ikea. We weren't always the most romantic but we certainly had a sense of humor about our love life. I think my run in with the parking authority on Friday somehow sent me to Ikea with my daughter. Pavlovian response?

"Basically don't sweat it, this will pass and you'll be fine."

I often find myself fretting over details. Always have. When it comes to most things I do, I am more than a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist AND a mother do not go hand and hand. Being a perfectionist AND a completely single mother, oil and water. So, with this knowledge firmly planted in my mind, why then do I continue to expect everything to be always in it's place. I want a pristine house but do not have the time nor energy for it to be that way. I want my days to be filled with productivity and creativity. Again with the energy thing. I want to make amazing meals and spend dinner time talking with Olivia about what we are grateful for. And so on and so forth. I look to other blogs written by parents and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Are these people really as prim and perfect as they seem? I know the answer is no. And most of the blogs I read are written by women who stay at home with their children, and they are in loving and supportive relationships with the father of their kids. I shouldn't be comparing myself to these people period! We have parenting in common, sure, but our relationship dynamics are not even comparable! You know, cause, well, um I just don't have a partner. At all.

I haven't been able to find a single parent equivalent to say, Amanda Soule. I keep searching for that crafty, montessori-minded, gentle, single mama but it just doesn't seem to exist. I've searched high and low for "the mama I want to be" to emulate but nada. And then today I reached out and I got back a little bit of real inspiration.

I will explain. Olivia has been refusing to listen these last two days. Prior to that we were both on top of the world. Really enjoying eachother and things were sailing smoothly. This afternoon in a fit I posted a little something asking for advice on a mama website I'm not about to mention. I essentially cast a net to see if any other single mamas miss the back up of having another parent when their babe is being a defiant little bugger. And I got back the best advice. I was told to remember to not focus so heavily on making my child obedient each and every day but to be more concerned about raising a decent human being who will grow into a functional adult. "Basically don't sweat it, this will pass and you'll be fine." THANK YOU!!!!!

It's simple. Very simple advice but something I consistently forget. My relationship with my daughter is the most important thing to me. I spend way too much energy trying to figure out how to mold her into the perfect child and not nearly enough energy on teaching her skills that will help her grow into a wonderful woman. I get so wrapped up and worried that I'm messing her up that I forget to just enjoy her. I worry way too much about creating memories for her that we rarely get to paint and play and dance, etc. I keep trying to figure out how to write our story and so it seems it's just been going on without me fully present. I'm glad that a random woman in interent land could give me a simple reality check.

glorious. epic.

tumwater falls

We spent five days in Olympia, Washington on the best vacation of my life.
I can't even begin to explain how incredible our trip was or how much I love my friends who were a part of it. I am planning another trip soon to check out some daycares and a montessori school. I want to get a good idea of what it might be like to live out there. Leaving Philadelphia would be a very big decision. I have wonderful friends, a large support system, and a fantastic job here but I am feeling the need to investigate further. I have wanted to live in the Northwest since I bought my first Hole record. That was in 6th grade.

busy busy

Only nine days left until we (Oli, Ben, and I) venture out to Washington state to see some wonderful old friends. I can't wait to spend five days in Olympia. This will be the first family vacation Oli and I have taken together where we won't be staying with relatives. There has been talk of hot springs and hot toddies, music making and movie watching, shopping at the co-op and cooking big meals... all together! It will be a nice little Lancaster reunion on the west coast.

When we get home it will be time to start planning for our move. We will be living in West Philly with Brandi and Elisha. Stoked about this, too. I spent the night out there yesterday and met one of our next door neighbors. He told us if we ever needed anything to let him know. Later I was outside attempting to change my tire. He noticed and came outside to help me. The street is very quiet and the house seems very calm.

Also, I will be working an additional day per week at my personal assistant job starting mid-February. !!!!

Looking forward.
Giving Thanks.

freelance

I'm doing some freelance writing work for a women's lifestyle website called lemondrop.com. The site is hilarious and smart. I've created two photo galleries for them so far and am working on some other stuff. Check 'em out!

1.) totally amazing treehouses
2.) wildly dyed

oh and p.s.
olivia just said, "i want a beard, mama. on my face."
kids.